like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
