But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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