It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
