I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
