Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
