Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
