i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
