After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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