I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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