seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
