rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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