so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
