the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize