watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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