I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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