hotel room ftw
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
