So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
