hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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