i need an iv and a liver transplant
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize