Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
