found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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