woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
