I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
