now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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