I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
