The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
