She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
