How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How external is "for external use only"?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
