I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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