his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
