not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
