its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have fence marks all over my body
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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