I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
