He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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