you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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