Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
