Screwed.edu
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
