omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize