So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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