What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
