Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
