There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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