Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
