i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
