More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
