She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize