I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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