We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
