So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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