Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
