Someone shit on the floor
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
