you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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