i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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